COM 325 Week 3 Discussion 1 & 2

DISCUSSION 1 | CONFLICT CLIMATE

The conflict climate is the psychological atmosphere the individuals perceive. This climate can be harmful or nurturing. Share an example of a situation in which abuse of power, competition, distrust, or defensive behavior created a harmful climate in a conflict situation.  Identify the behaviors that created this environment. What behaviors would change this into a nurturing climate?

Your initial response should be 250 – 300 words and must be posted by Thursday, Day 3. Support your claims with examples from required material(s) and/or other scholarly resources, and properly cite any references.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

DISCUSSION 2 | STRESS AND ANGER

For this discussion, you will be required to do the following:

Explain the relationship between stress, anger and communication using what you learned from your readings (including chapter 8 in Cahn and Abigail) and additional research from the UAGC library.

Share an example of how stress and/or anger impacted your communication behavior in a professional experience, resulting in a conflict.

Examine specific communication techniques that could have been used to address the challenge.

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Chapter 8 Managing Stress and Anger
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Objectives
At the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
Identify four types of stress.
Distinguish between hyperstress and distress.
Identify the sources of hyperstress in your life.
List some of the likely sources of distress in people’s lives.
Explain how hyperstress and distress affect your communication behavior in a conflict situation.
List the three solutions for developing a more playful attitude.
List some specific techniques for dealing constructively with hyperstress and distress.
Explain the ABC model, differentiate between positive and negative beliefs, and apply the model
to a conflict situation.
Determine whether you are anger‐in, anger‐out, or anger‐controlling.
Explain how anger can negatively affect a conflict situation.
Identify the “primary emotion” that is being interpreted as anger.
List ways to effectively control your anger and express it in constructive ways.
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Key Terms
ABC model
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E32)
anger
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec82#P7000481815000000000000000001E43)
anger
controllers
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec82#P7000481815000000000000000001E51)
anger‐ins
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec82#P7000481815000000000000000001E4C)
anger‐outs
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec82#P7000481815000000000000000001E4F)
conflict
proneness
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E2D)
distress
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E2B)
eustress
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E27)
hyperstress
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E2A)
hypostress
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E29)
playful spirit (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E3D)
secondary
emotion
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec82#P7000481815000000000000000001E49)
stressor
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E34)
ventilation
approach
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec82#P7000481815000000000000000001E4D)
As teachers, we have found that this chapter really resonates with students. Stress and anger are so
much a part of student life that it is often taken for granted, as though you can do nothing about it but
suffer. Moreover, when asked to list the stresses in their lives and situations that make them angry,
students (as well as single mothers, newly married couples who have moved and started jobs, couples
with children, recently promoted men and women to much higher levels of responsibility, etc.) open up
and swamp us with the many pressures they are under and frustrations they experience at home, at
work, or at school.
In the first half of this chapter, we define the common types of stress, describe many common sources of
stress, and suggest ways to constructively deal with stress. To the extent that you accept our philosophy
and welcome the techniques and suggestions offered in this chapter, you should find that stress
management goes hand in hand with the next section on anger management. Together they can help you
deal with difficult situations and make your life more enjoyable.
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8.1 Stress Management
Stress is experienced as a biochemical reaction within the body due to the way in which we interpret and
respond to external pressures, which may be positive or negative. Contrary to popular belief, stress does
not cause this reaction; it is the reaction.
Some interpersonal conflict textbooks highlight the idea that stress is a reaction to conflict. Of course,
when we are focused on a problematic situation affecting an interpersonal relationship, dreading a
confrontation with someone important to us, and looking at conflict negatively, we are likely to
experience stress as a reaction to the conflict situation. Researchers have found that, in particular,
competing,
avoiding,
and
accommodating
produce
stress.1
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E6A)
In
Chapter
2
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch02#ch02) , we introduced
the topic of stress by distinguishing personal stress from relationship stress and by taking the position
that collaboration produced less stress of both types when compared to the other options in a conflict
situation.
While conflict situations can produce stress, we also believe the opposite is true: conflict is itself a
reaction to stress. One of your authors has witnessed such an eruption all too often.
I learned early on in teaching that when a student would see me during my office hours upset
over a particular grade on a quiz, test, or paper, I found that if I asked the student questions
about what else was going on in the student’s life, I would find that she or he had other more
serious problems, such as withheld grades, a problem with graduating that semester, problems
with parents, a relationship or marital breakup, loss of employment, eviction from an apartment,
or death in the family. The combination of grade and a negative life event was upsetting the
student. I would then shift to my advisor role, and let the student elaborate on his or her other
problems. I would offer suggestions about ways to manage coursework while dealing with these
outside pressures. All this seemed to have a comforting effect on the student, who often
apologized for how he or she behaved initially.
Because stress leads to interpersonal conflict, the first half of this chapter focuses on how to reduce
stress in our lives.
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Types of Stress: Eustress, Hypostress, Hyperstress, and Distress
Interestingly, while some stresses upset us, not all stress is bad for us. Selye has identified four kinds of
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8stress.2
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E6B)
1. A good kind of stress, eustress is a short‐term stress that encourages us to take more seriously
and expend more energy on important activities. For example, hitters stepping up to the plate in
a baseball game may experience eustress, if they are psyched up to perform.
2. Hypostress is underload. This happens when we start feeling anxious because we’re bored or
unchallenged by our situation. This problem is easily resolved when you switch to “being
productive and doing something worthwhile.”
3. Hyperstress occurs when too many tasks and responsibilities pile up on us and we are unable to
adapt to the changes or cope with all that is happening at once. This is the kind of stress
frequently experienced by students and teachers.
4. Distress arises when we lose control over a situation and the source of stress is unclear to the
individual.
It
is
related
to
anxiety
as
introduced
in
Chapter
3
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch03#ch03) , which
may cause us to suppress the real issues. There are those who may tell you that everything is OK
but they aren’t happy and find that they are having trouble getting along with other people. It
may take the help of others to determine exactly what the problem is. One person recalls a time
of stress in college that seemed to have no apparent reason:
For a period of several months during my last year in college, whenever I went out on a date, my
stomach became so upset that I felt like throwing up. I then had to “call it a night” and go home
early. Needless to say that embarrassed me and disappointed and confused the young lady who
was with me. I had no idea what was the matter at the time. Meanwhile, over the next several
months, I was accepted to graduate school, graduated from college, and started taking graduate
classes . My stomach problem “magically” disappeared. Without realizing it, I must have been
worried about graduation, acceptance to graduate school, and succeeding in graduate study.
These hurdles must have been looming somewhere in the back of my mind and affecting me by
upsetting my stomach.
Distress is more encompassing than the other forms of stress. It relates more to our world view,
personality (Type A, too controlling, workaholic, etc.), and self‐fulfilling prophecy (or expectations).
Because distress can make us appear difficult or act in ways that appear unpleasant to others, it can
contribute to conflict proneness.
Conflict proneness due to distress occurs when people take themselves too seriously, don’t enjoy what
they are doing, or fail to see the humor in their everyday affairs. Distress makes people unhappy. Fearing
that they are falling behind or not succeeding in achieving their goals, they have lost sight of the fact that
they are not playing for fun. Instead, they are concentrating entirely on the end result. Athletes do this
when they focus only on winning or outperforming others. Many of these people are not happy, having
fun, or enjoying life.
Hyperstress and distress as well as frustration and anger are among the reasons people explode in
overblown
conflict.
Recall
from
Chapter
3
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch03#ch03) , we defined
overblown conflicts as occurring when people get carried away and exaggerate a conflict, generally using
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a relatively unimportant issue as a focal point.
Overblown conflicts are often resolved when the
person who has done the ranting and raving
apologizes, usually making some excuse for the
untoward behavior (e.g., “I was stressed out”) that the
target of the conflict accepts as a reasonable excuse.
However, it is preferable to avoid overblown conflicts
in the first place. This is done through more effective
stress management. We begin with the easiest to
perform, the activities approach.
One source of stress is competing demands on
our lives, as NiniLii Paxton has depicted in her
conflict art.
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The Activities Approach
Walker and Brokaw suggest a number of different activities that a person can do to manage stress.3
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E6C) These entail eating sensibly, getting enough sleep and rest,
living a balanced life, engaging in relaxing activities, spending time with good friends, saying “no” to
requests you really can’t take on, and accepting what you can’t change. In addition, avoiding self‐
medication through the use of nicotine, alcohol, or drugs helps us keep stress at a minimum.
One of the most effective stress reliever activities is regular exercise. It doesn’t necessarily have to be
strenuous; even a stroll around the block can lower your blood pressure, regulate your breathing, and
create a sense of relaxation. Yard work or other physical labor can also be effective. Making a piece of art
or even coloring in a children’s activity book can relieve stress. You can discuss a stressful event with a
trusted friend. This doesn’t mean you vent anger but that you seek advice from a more objective person,
who can help you move toward resolution of the stressful situation. You can give in during a quarrel
about something that isn’t particularly important, heading off the stress before it starts.
Other activities that relieve stress involve your environment. Tackling your more difficult tasks first, and
then finding a way to reward yourself with a pleasurable activity following it can be helpful. For example,
you can tell yourself you’ll watch a movie you’ve wanted to see when you finish a difficult task. If you
anticipate a stressful event, you can rehearse it ahead of time to avoid overreacting while in it. You can
also clean your living area or reorganize your work space, as this person does:
One of my most effective ways of dealing with stress is to clean the house or my studio. I actually
find it satisfying and relaxing because I can think about the problem that’s bothering me and the
symbolic aspect of having my place cleaner when I’m done really helps me focus. When I’m
really stressed, I move the furniture around in my studio. If nothing else, it helps me look at
things in a new way.
Finally, we suggest that you turn your attention to helping others as a means of reducing stress.
Throwing a party or dinner for friends, volunteering at a charity, and finding ways to do something for
another person can actually reduce your stress. Post and Neimark’s remarkable research on the power
of giving concludes that people who are generous have a lower risk of illness and lower rates of
depression. In addition to having physical and mental benefits, their research suggests that people who
are prone to giving to others have more empathy and are typically more competent socially than those
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8who
are
not.4
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E6D) Students seem to welcome the idea of using activities to relieve
their stress, and with a little work, they can also benefit from using the ABC model.
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The ABC Model of Stress
This approach consists of:
A = Activating event or the stressor
B = Beliefs or our relevant thoughts
C = Consequences or effects and reaction to the stressor
“A” produces the stress. In hyperstress, we can easily point to the stressors, but in distress, we can’t. We
may be aware of some approaching calamity, or wrestling with an important decision but not connect it
to physical and psychological symptoms of stress we are experiencing. “A” can include:
anticipated life events (e.g., graduation, aging)
unexpected life events (e.g., the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or too much happening at
once)
the need to make tough decisions (e.g., should I go to grad school or marry or get a divorce?)
struggle among the various roles we play and how much time and attention we should give to
each one (e.g., perhaps you’re all these roles: a student, a child, a friend, a part‐time worker, and
a romantic partner)
Of course, it is nice if we can eliminate the source of our stress from our lives. There are two ways to do
that: change something in the environment (turn off the computer or don’t check your email if it is
stressing you at night before you go to bed) or change environments (pick up and leave, go somewhere
else, get a new job, break up a stressful relationship). In the news recently, an airline pilot became so
stressed over his next flight that he refused to get on the plane. Of course, he needed professional help,
but at the same time, the passengers had to appreciate the fact that he decided to avoid a situation that
was too stressful for him to handle that day. Unfortunately, each life event we encounter (courtship,
weddings, childbirth, taxes, death, applying for jobs, promotions, etc.) produces stress to some extent. So,
we can’t always eliminate the stressor entirely even if we want to.
We make the observation that the same event “A” produces different reactions in people. Some interpret
practically any event as good, others as indifferent, and still others as a disaster. Why is that? Some
people are simply “hardier” than others. They see change as a challenge rather than as a threat. Can you
become hardy? It is partly a matter of the way you think about stressors, and you can change your way
of thinking about events.
Like
our
discussion
of
attribution
theory,
back
in
Chapter
3
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch03#ch03) , w e can change
“B,” or our beliefs about the stressor, and interpret, perceive, or label the activating event in a more
constructive or positive way. When you cannot cope with your circumstances, we suggest that you try
changing yourself (or at least the way you think or look at something).
To what extent should one change his or her beliefs to reduce stress? We should not overlook the fact
that changing “B” may be much more difficult in some cases than in others. Where one can change her
or
his
thoughts
about an
event, there
is
evidence
it can
reduce
stress.5
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E6E)
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I expected to put in a lot of hours in teaching, low pay, and occasional encounters with difficult
teaching colleagues and administrators. I know I am experiencing stress quite frequently, but I
expected that. It comes with the territory. I choose not to let it get me down. I think instead
about the advantages of having a job with a roof over my head, heat, electricity, dependable pay,
and occasional days off as well as the entire summer. Maybe this comes from my time spent in
the military overseas where I was sometimes subjected to unbearable living and working
conditions. I have come to appreciate a job like teaching.
I tell my students that if the classroom is too hot and uncomfortable, imagine themselves living
or working under worse conditions like the workers outdoors who are right now digging a
trench around the building as part of a new campus hot water line project. Our situation looks
pretty inviting compared to those workers.
Consider two people’s different reactions to the same activating event:
1. I am awful, no one accepts me, I am always rejected by others, I am a worthless person, I deserve
this because I am unpopular, I wish someone could do some magic and change me into a better
person.
2. I don’t like this, I wish it hadn’t happened, it was unfortunate, undesirable, we would have had a
lot of fun together, I am good company, he or she doesn’t know what he or she is missing, I’ll go
do something I know that I want to do.
Obviously, the first reaction is going to produce more stress in the individual than the second reaction.
The key point here is that if you choose to react as in option 1, you choose to be upset. This is a self-fulfilling
prophecy in that if you expect the worst, you are likely to receive it. Here is a list of thoughts that
contribute to stress and the escalation of conflict: irrational thinking, ineffectual thinking, self‐damaging
thinking habits, self‐damning, wishful thinking, intolerance, pessimism, expecting the worst, perfectionist
thinking, expecting some magic, being superstitious, being dogmatic, blaming, or damning others for
everything. In addition, being too other‐directed (or accommodating) is a problem, as one thinks too
much about what others think of her or him. If your self‐acceptance depends on what others think, you
lose control of who you are—​which is a stressful event! On the other hand, being too self‐directed (or
competitive) is also a problem when you think you must win every argument, always come out on top,
and have to show up the opposition. If your self‐acceptance depends on being Number One, the fear of
failure is a constant source of stress.
“C” stands for the consequences or outcomes. We experience stress internally and behaviorally.
Biochemically,
the
hyperstress
cycle
occurs
in
three
stages.6
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E6F) First, we experience alarm, where our hearts beat faster, blood
gets redirected to skeletal muscles, and so on. Essentially, your body is preparing to fight or run away.
Second, we experience resistance. Our temperature, blood pressure, and breathing are still high, and our
body
releases
hormones
that
affect
us
both
physically
and
emotionally.7
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E70) Finally, if stress is not relieved, we experience exhaustion. We
become more susceptible to illness or even collapse because we have few physical and emotional
reserves left. While we suffer physically, behaviorally we may avoid people, attack those closest to us,
lock ourselves in a bedroom, drink in excess, or do something productive/constructive, as we suggest
later in this chapter.
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Self‐Talk
So, how can you control your thoughts so as to reduce your stress? The first step is to discover the ways
in
which
your
“self‐talk”
contributes
to
your
stress.
Back
in
Chapter
4
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch04#ch04) , we introduced
self‐talk and defined it as verbalizing, either out loud or to ourselves, inner messages. Self‐talk was
offered as a way to talk yourself into avoiding or confronting a conflict and as a means for improving
your self confidence. In this chapter, we use self‐talk to improve the way we think about other potentially
stressful events. Consider how these different ways of thinking about the same event, shown in Table 8.1
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec81#P7000481815000000000000000001E39) , can increase or reduce stress.
Table 8.1 The Effect of Self‐Talk on Stress
Situation
Self‐Talk Increasing
Stress
Self‐Talk Decreasing Stress
Romantic
I’ll never find someone like
him or her again.
I enjoyed my time with him or her and I know
there’s someone else out there.
Failing a test
I’m so stupid. I won’t pass.
I can take other actions to bring up my class grade. I
can study differently next time.
Getting a
speeding
ticket
Everyone was speeding.
Why me?
I was going over the speed limit. I intend to
concentrate more on my driving.
We’re not suggesting that you ignore the reality of the situation when you engage in supportive self‐talk.
What we are suggesting, however, is that if you can avoid “doom and gloom” thinking about situations
and focus on the power and choices you do have within them, you can reduce your stress level. Ellis
claims that it is not the events themselves that cause stress but how we talk to ourselves about the events
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8that
causes
our
stress.8
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E71) Consider how this person handled a stressful situation.
There’s a co‐worker who is really unpredictable. I never know if he’s going to snarl at me or say
hello. It really depressed me, and I’d slink around the hallways hoping I wouldn’t run into him.
But whose life was being ruined? Mine. So, I decided I’d cheer up and greet him. To heck with
him if he wants to be nasty. At least I’ll know I acted like a nice person.
Therefore, if your point of view or thoughts and beliefs are not producing positive results, then you
should consider adopting a different way of looking at the world.
Helpful self‐talk is rational. Three unhelpful kinds of statements are “shoulds,” “awfuls,” and
“overgeneralizations.” “Shoulds” have to do with the expectations we have for ourselves, for others close
to us, and for the world in general. “Should” statements also contain words like “ought,” “must,” and
“have to.” Some of the shoulds are unreasonable, and create expectations that are impossible to meet.
Consider how this person responds to “shoulds.”
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Three of us meet regularly to gripe and complain to each other as well as encourage each other.
All three of us came from rotten families and we have committed to letting go of the negative
messages of our childhood. All three of us have lots of “shoulds” in our lives—​I should parent
better, I should spend more time with my spouse, I should work harder, I should this, I should
that. When one of us starts to talk this way, we tell that person to stop “shoulding” on him or
herself.
Recognizing when you are “shoulding on yourself” is one way to escape negative self‐talk. Another kind
of negative self‐talk includes “awful” statements. When people talk about how horrible their
circumstances are, or the fact that it is simply unbearable, it is pretty easy to start thinking that nothing
can change. Continuing self‐talk that makes change seem unlikely probably results in situations that do
not change.
The final means of negative self‐talk, “overgeneralizations,” contains words like “always,” “never,”
“everyone,” and “no one.” Overgeneralizations happen when people think one event is indicative of their
entire life. You failed a test, so you’re a complete failure. Someone didn’t listen to you in this one instance,
and that person never listens to you, and so on.
Negative self‐talk is a poor means of controlling your thoughts in a situation. It leads to stress, and the
need for more self‐talk. When you are in a situation where you cannot control other people’s responses,
you still have control over your own. Recognizing that is a way of reducing the stress that you feel about
the situation.
People
can
learn
how
to
reduce
the
stress
they
experience.9
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E72) Avoiding overgeneralizations and learning more positive self‐
talk are constructive actions you can take.
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Developing a Playful Spirit
People who take themselves too seriously often suffer a great deal of stress, making it difficult for them
to manage conflicts effectively. They need to develop a “playful spirit.”
How do we change our attitudes and adopt a playful spirit? Play theorists encourage us to develop a
playful spirit by changing our attitude toward life in a way that enables us to lighten up. The following
techniques may be of help to you:
Don’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong or doesn’t pan out.
Look for situational factors that you may learn to accept rather than fight against.
See irony in problematic situations.
Visualize absurdities. Make a joke to yourself of something negative. An excellent example of this
is the line of products promoted by Demotivators.Com. They sell “inspirational posters” that are
a spoof of
the
high
gloss
photographs
one
often
sees
in
offices.10
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E73)
Ask yourself: Am I happy right now? What can I do now to be happier?
Learn to say “No,” without feeling guilty.
Take on a new role, which is more enjoyable than the present one.
Do something you can succeed at, especially after failing something else.
Hang a sign in your room or workplace: Success is happiness!
This list is aimed more at changing the way you look at the world and making lifestyle changes.
Men and women can learn from older people who avoid distress by grasping a playful attitude. Books
have been written on the stress encountered by women over 50. The recent upsurge of “Red Hat Clubs,”
where women celebrate the fact that they’re over 50 and deserve to be called “Queen Mother,” is an
example of how people may adopt this playful attitude.
We can also try to find the humor in stressful situations. Some research suggests that the “tendency to
tell jokes and stories . . . predicted perceiving events and situations in one’s life as more predictable and
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8controllable.”12
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E74) This is especially important when stress levels are excessive.
However, the use of humor in conflict situations is a double‐edged sword. On one hand, used
appropriately, it can alleviate some of the stress in the situation and help people express some of their
negative emotions in a more positive way. Appropriate humor may also help maintain social order,
channel hostility, or assist people in saving face. But if the humor is inappropriate, it can also make the
conflict situation worse. The ability to use humor in a conflict situation, though, is an indicator of the level
of
trust
in
it—​those
who
trust
one
another
can
laugh
together.13
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E75)
Note that we are not saying that you should act silly in the presence of others. Much of what we suggest
may be accomplished covertly, that is mentally. We can see the world differently, talk to ourselves in a
constructive matter, and make light of some matters as a mental state. We can feel less guilty and
experience less anxiety. Meanwhile, we still continue to be productive, and do what is possible or what it
takes to keep a job or earn good grades.
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According to Sutton‐Smith, a playful spirit contributes to well‐being, and is associated with being an
emotionally,
socially,
physically,
and
mentally
healthier
person.14
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E76) Approaching our environment as a game to be played as well as
taken seriously can convert an unhappy life into a happy one—​o r at least reduce one’s conflict
proneness.
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Changing How We Look at Life’s Challenges
We start our life as children with an obvious demand for joy. Even as adults, there is a child hidden in
each of us, and this child would like to come out and play. However, later we learn to take everyday
activities too seriously, such that they become obligations, which usually rob us of fun, joy, and
merriment. Our preoccupation with achievement whether in winning or outperforming others makes us
feel insecure. In his book If Life Is a Game, How Come I’m not having Fun?, Paul Brenner says that
“Unfortunately, the traditional repression of play, humor, and wit deeply changed our ability to enjoy life
and to be content. It has turned us into severe, aggressive, function‐oriented rather than people‐oriented
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8creatures.”15
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E77) Brenner describes three ways to make life more fun.
The First Solution. We can make a distinction between work and play. We can view work as what we do
for the sake of something else, while play is what we do for its own sake. So, we can add to our week a
few mindless entertainment and fun activities in an effort to balance work. You certainly could give this
solution a try. However, it may not work because a few fun events in the evenings or on weekends may
not be enough to balance 40, 60, or 80 hours of a demanding job or academic program during the week.
It helps, but is it enough? The type of mindless entertainment and fun activities may lose impact if they
are passive rather than active. Watching a movie may be somewhat relaxing, but more benefit may be
gained from taking a walk or playing a game with someone.
The Second Solution. The second way to lighten up is to take the view that “play is an attitude of mind that
may pervade any human activity.”16 (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E78) Sometimes we turn play and fun activities into work.
Professional sports may be an example where some “players” no longer enjoy the “game.” It has ceased
to be fun for them. The same might be said of some entertainers and actors who have lost the joy of
“playing” before others. Let’s take an activity that should be fun like a vacation. Often people say they
need a vacation to recover from their vacation! Why is that? Part of the reason is that they spend a great
deal of time planning it, working overtime to pay for it, worrying that the experience might not live up to
their expectations, and obsessing about how many tasks are piling up on their desks when they return to
work.
If you can find some joy in your work, it is likely to reduce the stress associated with it. As Bakke points
out:
Many have heard the story of the visitor to a job site where workers were busy in a variety of
construction activities. “What are you doing?” the visitor asked one of the workmen . . . “I’m
helping to build a great cathedral,” he replied, leaving no doubt about his passion for his work.17
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E79)
Bakke’s point is simple but important: the attitude with which we approach our tasks has an important
impact on the level of stress we feel about them. So, it isn’t our actual experiences, but what we make of
them, which gives meaning to our existence. It has been said that life can be easier than we actually make
it. It’s as though we need to give ourselves permission to have fun. We can change the way we feel about
our everyday activities at home, work, or school. We must find joy in the work we do. We should work as
if at play, because that is what we are doing anyway—​playing at work.18
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E7A)
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We need to take ourselves less seriously, treat matters more gamefully, and designate all our activities as
games that we play. We need to make the decision that if we must do our everyday activities, we might as
well enjoy doing them. We need to catch ourselves every time we take ourselves too seriously. When we
do that, we come alive—​we lighten up.
The Third Solution. The third solution can be termed integration—​o ne understands that joy and pain are
often found in the same place, depend on one another, and that both are to be valued. Goldingay
remarks:
So many things we achieve are achieved only through struggle and conflict, not in easy ways. . . . I
have so longed to find somewhere in life some corner where joy is unmingled with pain. But I
have never found it. Wherever I find joy, my own or other people’s, it always seems to be
mingled with pain. . . . The bad news is that there may be no corner of reality where joy is not
related to pain. The good news is that there is no corner of reality where pain cannot be
transformed
into
overflowing
joy.19
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E7B)
There can be no joy if we have never known pain. You probably take your teeth for granted, but then
getting rid of a painful tooth makes you appreciate its absence. Having discussed ways to better manage
the stress in our lives, we turn now to the topic of anger and how to more effectively manage it.
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8.2 Anger Management
Few people feel nothing during a conflict. For most of us, a conflict situation is often associated with a
number of emotional responses—​excitement, sadness, resentment, and anger among others. Phillips and
his colleagues claim that anger is the most important of all negative emotions because it can do so much
damage to our social relationships.20 (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E7D)
People
think
that
behaving
aggressively
reduces
their
anger.21
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E7E) While some hostile individuals may need the help of therapists,
we believe that reading about anger can enable many people to manage it more effectively. Many
students take classes to make themselves more successful supervisors, managers, or leaders. When in
charge you may feel the pressure to set a standard and bean example for others. Keeping your cool is
important because you do not want those who look up to you thinking you are a hothead. In this chapter
we do not teach you how to avoid getting angry, but rather how to manage it more effectively.
We begin by defining anger as a strong feeling of displeasure, a synonym for antagonism and rage.
Generally, anger “can be seen as a means of trying to get something done by forcing a change in the
target’s behavior, especially when one feels that one has power or control over the target.”22
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E7F) Anger is different from feeling hurt or irritated. We experience
these other emotions when someone or something frustrates our desires, but anger carries with it the
desire to get even or seek revenge. Later, when asked what they were fighting about or what started an
argument, the conflicting parties may not even remember, which is a sure sign that the conflict itself is
unimportant, but uncontrolled anger blew the conflict all out of proportion.
Many of us have experienced anger and the escalation of conflict to a point where we wanted to inflict
pain on the other person, whether physically or emotionally by verbal abuse. Lee tells this story:
Sometimes when teaching conflict management, I like to pair off students, ask them to hold
hands, and then role play an interpersonal conflict. Even though the students were told to
continue holding hands throughout the conflict, some simply couldn’t do it and let go of each
other because they felt they had to. Others, who continued to hold hands, leaned away from
each other or squeezed the other’s hand uncomfortably hard while arguing with each other. In
the class discussion that followed, students reported that it seemed incongruous to argue and
hold hands at the same time. They often admitted that when they got angry during a
disagreement, they wanted to hurt the other person or at least not to welcome any warm and
friendly contact.
We have all seen anger expressed in different ways. It can occur instantly like the eruption of a volcano
in people who are not generally viewed as hostile or aggressive. Sometimes it festers away for days,
months, or even years such as when one plans for revenge.
For some it is attached to people’s personality, always lying just beneath the surface it would seem, but
quickly manifesting itself in the form of hostility whenever these individuals feel pressured, defensive, or
attacked. Research indicates that people may actually have trait‐like anger, which “is conceptualized as an
enduring disposition to experience anger more frequently, more intensely, and for a longer period of
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8time.”23
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4#P7000481815000000000000000001E80) People who have high‐anger trait process events in a way
different from those who do not have high‐anger trait. Such people are especially attuned to anger‐
related words (e.g., “Why did you do that stupid thing?”) and respond to them more quickly than they do
to
words
reflecting
other
emotions
(e.g.,
“You
did
a
great
job”).24
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E81) On the other hand, people who have low‐anger trait tend to
spontaneously reframe the circumstances in ways that deflect or inhibit their anger.25
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E82) It may well be that anger lies along a continuum, ranging from a
form that may be quickly brought under one’s control to a form that requires a great deal of
psychotherapy.
Although we have a tendency to see anger in a negative
light, feelings of anger may be positive if that anger
serves to change a situation or relationship that is
currently unsatisfactory into something more
acceptable. Further, research suggests that if a person
knows he or she has to engage in a confrontation, that
person is “sometimes motivated to undertake activities
likely to increase their anger, despite the fact that such
activities are less pleasant than alternative ones. . . .
Angry participants performed better than excited
participants
in
a
confrontational
task.”26
People often respond with anger when they
feel as though they are being forced to do
something.
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E83) So, like stress, a little anger can motivate, but too much of it is a
problem. So, anger can be used constructively when it motivates us to get off our seats and stand up for
our interests, needs, and wants or what we think is right.
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Experiencing Anger
How do you know anger when you feel it? Which of these do you experience when angry?
headache, neck ache, shoulders ache
tightness in the face or chest, unable to breath, rapid breathing
butterflies in the stomach, rapid heart rate
hands clenched, gritting teeth, rigidity, twitching
stare angrily
sweating, feeling hot, feeling cold/chills
numbness
crying
People feel anger in different ways as these narratives suggest.
I had invited my work group over to my house, but I really had hoped a particular person would
not come. But he did and within a half‐hour of his arrival I had a headache that wouldn’t stop. I
realized that my neck was really tense and my leg muscles hurt. For me it’s the back of my neck
that gets extremely hot. I feel hungry and nauseous at the same time. I always tense up my body,
make a fist, and take quick breaths.
There are some interesting differences that occur when researchers examine gender and age differences
in anger and aggression. First, men and women experience anger that results in aggression in different
ways:
. . . the anger experience is different for women because of the power differential between
women and men. For men, anger is empowering because they have more power, and being
angry ensures the continuation of that power especially if it is accompanied by threats and/or
violence. Women’s anger, on the other hand, emerges out of feelings of frustration and
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8powerlessness.27
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E84)
Some researchers have found that as people grow older they are less likely to exhibit trait anger. Anger
for older adults (over 50) is less frequent and less intense. In addition, older adults are less likely to
engage in external anger displays, such as slamming doors or being verbally aggressive.28
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E85)
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Anger as a Secondary Emotion
As Rosenberg claims:
At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use
it as an alarm clock to wake us up—​to realize that we have a need that isn’t being met and that
we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. To fully express our anger requires full
consciousness of our need. In addition, energy is required to get the need met. Anger, however,
co‐opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs.29
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E86)
An insightful and highly useful way of looking at anger is to view it as a secondary emotion, meaning
that its origin is in other emotions such as fear. If we are angry at or with someone, we think we are
justified in our emotions, and it is easier for us to lay the responsibility at the other person’s feet, than if
we say, “I fear . . .” or “I am disappointed.” Anger protects us; admitting our fears or disappointments may
make us feel vulnerable.
For example, a teacher may feel angry because not all members of her class pass an exam. She may not
realize it but her fear is that she is not teaching as well as she could or should. So if she gets a lot of
questions during a review session prior to the exam, the teacher may suddenly become defensive, turn
angry and accuse her students of not studying enough. Her apparent anger is really a response to her
fear that the students may fail and make her look bad as a teacher (see managing face in Chapter 7
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch07#ch07) ). Once the
teacher realizes that, she is much less likely to act angry toward her students.
Regardless of the cause of anger, we usually know who or what made us angry. It is the person (or the
person’s behavior or lack of behavior) who upset you, the romantic partner who is late, the person who
offended a member of your family, or someone who destroyed something of yours. In any of these
situations, we may react with aggression, hostility, and revenge. These reactions may permanently harm
an interpersonal relationship, such as a romantic partnership. For those who disrupt frequently or carry
their resentments over a long period of time, they may suffer physiologically (i.e., cardiovascular
problems and heart attacks).
Do you lose control of your anger? Or does it work as an impetus for change and make you more
productive? While your ability to control your anger is likely to improve with age, it is possible to make
improvements now if you understand the nature of anger and how to manage it.
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Three Common Ways People Manage Their Anger
People tend to manage their anger in one of the following three different ways: anger‐ins, anger‐outs, or
anger controllers. Keep in mind that these three avenues have to do with the expression of anger, and
may not bear a direct relationship to trait anger.
A common feature of anger‐ins is that they do not express their anger to the person who has upset
them. They are avoiders and accommodators or people suffering from the chilling effect cycle who:
1.
2.
3.
4.
have a hard time even admitting that they are angry.
know they are angry with someone but do not want to tell the other person.
tell others about their anger but not the one who upsets them.
are passive aggressive.
Contrary to popular conceptions of the way men and women act, males are just as often “anger‐ins” as
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8women.30
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E87) It is common knowledge that the suppression of anger can lead
to stomach upset and ulcers, depression, and heart disease. In addition, it may be harmful to those
experiencing chronic pain, as suppressing anger heightens perception of the pain and magnifies its
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8impact.31
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E88)
We would include as anger‐ins people who vent their anger to others, like a friend, parent, colleague, or
bartender, rather than the offensive person. This is called the ventilation approach. We often think of
ventilating as letting off steam, erupting, venting our anger at someone or something, but here we are
using the term differently as venting to someone who is not the problem. In some cases, ventilation may
be beneficial, such as times where it is not a good idea to confront the offensive person directly—​a boss
who gets angry, an abusive partner, a defensive, insecure person who cannot take criticism. In addition,
venting sometimes elicits helpful advice from the other to help one get a better understanding of the
problematic situation, devise constructive ways to handle it, and receive encouragement to confront the
problem person. In this case, venting may be useful.
However, there are many other times when venting is problematic. Simply expressing anger, without
directing it toward the person responsible or toward problem solving, actually increases it. Talking
rehearses the anger and makes us feel it even more deeply. In addition, tantrums and rages increase it.
We would suggest, then, that these anger‐in behaviors are ways of how not to respond to conflict.
However, doing the direct opposite, like an anger‐out, is no better.
Anger‐outs are people who are quick to express their anger, vocally or physically, to the person who
upsets them. Adam says:
When growing up, I would lash out at my father and criticize him. I was always afraid that one of
us would start punching the other. I often felt bad after the argument and sad that I had hurt my
father. But I was upset and angry and just let him have it. We usually ended up with a strong
sense of resentment for one another. It is hard to change after fighting this way all these years.
Anger‐outs express their energy outward often aggressively rather than hold it in. They tend to engage
in:
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1.
2.
3.
4.
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automatic reactions that are quick to criticize, blame, and accuse
minor aggressive acts such as bickering
verbal abuse
physical aggression, force, violence
Does one sex tend to have a greater number of “anger‐outs?” Actually, “men and women are equally
likely to keep quiet when they feel angry, or talk it out, or scream it out, or even get violent. . . . It does not
depend
on
gender
and
it
does
not
depend
on
personality.”32
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E89) As was discussed, previously, men and women experience and
interpret anger and aggression in different ways, though there isn’t much difference in the way they
express it.
However, when expressed anger turns to aggression, men and women differ in the explanation they give
for becoming aggressive. For most women, acts of aggression produce anxiety and unpleasant emotions,
and “women believe that such [aggressive] acts reflect a loss of self‐control.”33
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec84#P7000481815000000000000000001E8A) On the other hand, men see aggression as a challenging
behavior; it is their way of exerting control over others in order to gain important social rewards such as
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8respect.34
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E8B) Campbell and Muncer conclude that gender differences in
aggression are largely attributable to “women’s greater ability to suppress or divert the expression of
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec8aggressive
behavior,”35
4#P7000481815000000000000000001E8C) most likely because they do find the expression of aggression to
be unacceptable on a number of levels.
One should not overlook the social context and the consequences of anger. You don’t want your
expressed rage to result in another person physically attacking you. Likewise, these anger‐out behaviors
are ways of how not to respond to conflict:
When the other person says what is bothering him or her, come back with a “Well, you . . .”
response and attack, accuse, or deny.
Listen closely so that you can pick apart what the other person is saying.
Argue over the way something is stated rather than what is being said.
Call the other person names.
Remind the other person of every stupid behavior he or she has ever done with respect to the
issue at hand.
Disregard the other person’s feelings. Tell the person, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Tell people that you know their situation better than they do (i.e., “I know exactly how you feel”).
Make threats.
Fail to cooperate if it isn’t your idea (i.e., “If I can’t have my way, I won’t do anything at all”).
Indicate that nothing can change and you’re both doomed to failure anyway.
Ask the impossible of the other person.
While many people are either anger‐outs or anger‐ins (that is why we have textbooks on conflict and
anger management), people can choose to become anger controllers, who practice S‐TLC (Stop, Think,
Listen,
Communicate—see
Chapter
4
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch04#ch04) ).
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When a problem arises, let’s say noise during quiet hours, we resident hall staff must enforce
the rules. Rather than running out of the office yelling and screaming that the residents are
being too loud and they need to quiet down, I sit in the office, take a deep breath, think about
how I am going to approach them, take another deep breath and remain calm, but stern, and tell
them that it is quiet hours and they need to lower their voices. Most of the time if I say it
seriously with no smile and raise my eye brows (some nonverbal communication!) they get the
idea that I am to be taken seriously.
Anger controllers are assertive individuals who do not let their feelings control how they respond in
conflict situations. They still “get it off their chests,” but they do it in more constructive ways than do the
anger‐ins and anger‐outs. They put into practice what is recommended in the previous chapters. Anger
controllers tend to:
1. think positively about conflict and try techniques to better manage it (Chapter 1
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch01#ch01) )
2. collaborate and work together toward mutually satisfactory solutions (Chapter 2
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch02#ch02) )
3. apply
theories
to
better
understand
conflict
management
(Chapter
3
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch03#ch03) )
4. use assertive communication behavior; employ the steps of the interpersonal confrontation
ritual
(Chapter
4
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch04#ch04) )
5. use
the
S‐TLC
system
(Chapter
4
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch04#ch04) )
6. compromise
(Chapter
2
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch02#ch02) ) where a
collaborative
resolution
is
not
possible
and
negotiate
(Chapter
10
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch10#ch10) )
7. manage
the
conflict
climate
(Chapter
6
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch06#ch06) ) and
stress levels (see the first half of this chapter)
8. manage their anger by expressing it effectively and heeding the dos and don’ts before, during,
and after interacting with others as discussed in the second half of this chapter.
Controlling anger is a matter of (1) practicing new habits so that we don’t lash out during our flight‐or‐
fight anger episodes and (2) learning to express the underlying emotion when we experience the slow‐
building kind. How we learn to control anger depends on the more general habits we have about it.
Some of these habits occur before we express our anger, and others later.
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Before Expressing Anger: Dos and Don’ts
In a way similar to the ABC model of stress management, we should realize that when someone does
something that upsets us “A,” how we think about a situation “B” determines whether we experience
anger or not “C.” This sounds a lot like the ABC model we applied to stress. When someone is late, when
someone has disappointed you, when someone has said something hurtful, how do you frame or think
about the event? (Another use for self‐talk.) Your interpretation of the event is probably the best
indicator of how angry you feel and how you choose to express it. Do you assume that the other person
has hurt you on purpose? Do you look past the person’s behavior for external causes that are beyond
the other person’s control? We are not suggesting that you consistently make excuses for another
person. But the kinds of inferences, assumptions, or conclusions you make about another in a conflict
situation affect the way you respond to the other. We learned about a ttribution theory in Chapter 3
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch03#ch03) that when you
believe the other has acted in a way that constrains your behavior, that such action was intended to harm
you (internally motivated), and that such action is uncalled for, you respond with anger. Further, making
attribution errors, we tend to draw different conclusions about others’ behavior than we do about our
own—​we make excuses for our failures but attribute the failures of others to their shortcomings. So,
what assumptions are you making about the other? Is it possible that the other is innocent of intent to
harm you, as this person suggests?
It may make me sound like Pollyanna to say this, but I do find that if I say to myself, “Thanks for
not running into me,” rather than accusing another driver of “not having the brains God gave an
amoeba,” my blood pressure generally doesn’t rise and my anger is momentary rather than
lasting. In addition, if I try to assume that a person cutting me off simply didn’t see me rather
than assuming he or she is an idiot, I also contain the amount of anger I feel while driving. It
takes practice, and quite honestly, it’s harder on a day when I’m tired or upset about something.
In general, when you find yourself in a situation where you are becoming angry, there are specific
techniques you can undertake before expressing your anger:
1. Take time out: Exit temporarily if you can.
2. Do relaxation exercises: Shut your eyes, tighten muscles (clench your fist, tense your body), and
fantasize your anger—​imagine it, feel it all over your body, and then suddenly release the
tension and picture something serene and relaxing. Monitor your body as you release the
different muscles. Breathe slowly and regularly. Concentrate on relaxing your muscles—​tense
them up and then release them again.
3. Engage in positive and helpful self‐talk.
4. Seek alternative ways to release your anger: Physical exertion, like running or other exercise.
Would you believe that something like housework, particularly cleaning toilets, is helpful? (And
quite symbolic!) So is gardening and pulling weeds, viewing art, and listening to music.
5. Uncover the primary emotion that is disguised as anger
Overall, dealing with anger requires first that we build habits of positive rather than negative and
destructive responses to anger‐provoking situations.
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While Interacting: Dos and Don’ts
We are now interacting and feeling angry, and we know that anger can escalate a conflict and help cause
it to get out of hand. If one chooses to do so, how is it best to express one’s anger to the offender?
Unfortunately, many of us have learned destructive ways to deal with anger from our families and peers.
We believe that the best verbal response to anger is contained in the skills we discussed in Chapter 4
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch04#ch04) . We also offer a
list of dos and don’ts. Let’s begin with the actions we must avoid doing: “The Don’ts.”
Speaking more loudly or yelling.
Standing over another person or invading their personal space.
Making threatening gestures.
Poking or pushing or shoving another person.
Swearing and cursing.
Engaging in threats or using a “thromise” which we said in Chapter 6
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/ch06#ch06)
is
a
promise of reward if the other cooperates and a threat of punishment if they do not can
heighten anger and escalate conflict.
Bring in unrelated issues sensitive to the other.
Mocking the other.
Working to increase a competitive atmosphere or encouraging rivalry.
Not listening to the person at whom you are angry, or allowing yourself to be egged on by
bystanders
Expressing anger under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In vino veritas aside, we are likely to
regret what is said under such circumstances. When people introduce drugs or alcohol into the
picture all bets are off. Those times are not good ones to get into an argument/disagreement.
Alcohol has a way of bringing out the worst in some people. Someone you know is normally
calm and can effectively manage stress and anger, but then becomes a different person when
drunk. You cannot expect a reasonable discussion if engaging in a conflict with someone who is
drunk or on drugs. Leave them be until they sober up.
The actions we suggest using when expressing your anger are these (the “Do” list):
Use your S-TLC skills
Use “I” messages
Try to avoid raising your voice
Keep your body language as open as you can by leaning forward and using nonverbal indicators
to show you are listening
Keep your conflict focused on one issue. You’re less likely to make yourself angrier if you don’t
add additional issues to the conflict.
In addition to calming our emotional reaction in a conflict situation, we can choose how we respond to
anger expressed by others.
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Responding to Another’s Anger
One of the more difficult challenges we must face in a conflict is the anger and possible rage an anger‐
out person is feeling. Often, our fear about the way another may react affects our ability to solve a
problem, as this narrative suggests.
Over the years, my husband has become calmer, but he still can lose his temper over
unimportant issues pretty easily. When he loses his temper, he scares me. He’s a big guy, and
seeing all that muscle tense up makes me want to hide. I kept trying to hide a credit card bill
from him, because I was afraid to tell him what a mess I had made. I was afraid he might even hit
me when he found out. He finally picked up the mail before I did, and I prepared myself for the
worst.
When you are dealing with someone who is extremely angry, it is important to do what you can to stay
calm and not feed his or her anger. Often, people are loudly angry because they fear no one listens to
them unless they yell and scream. Listening and reflecting are important skills in responding to another
person’s anger.
Equally important is acknowledging the importance of the source of anger. If you say something to the
effect of “I can’t believe you are reacting this way” or “I think you are being childish,” you fuel that
person’s anger rather than subdue it.
When a person is on the verge of rage, it is not the time to express your anger about the situation. You
need to focus on calming that person down before raising any issue of your own. If your attempts to
acknowledge the other person’s source of anger and the legitimacy of her or his feelings fail, and the
person continues to rage and fume, it is often a good idea to exit the situation. Saying something such as
“I can see you’re really angry, and I think I’d like to give you some time to cool off before we talk about it”
acknowledges that you sympathize with the other and have a commitment to work out whatever
problem is there, but postpones the conflict until both people are calm and ready to talk about it. As
Brian discovered:
I am reminded of my boss, the dean, at work, who had to make some tough decisions, sometimes
not to everyone’s liking. I can still see one of my colleagues, who stopped our dean on his way
out his office. He stood right in front of him and started yelling at him. Interestingly, our dean did
not respond in kind. He lowered his voice to almost a whisper, and looked like he was concerned
about the issue. My colleague stopped ranting and raving when he realized that we were all
staring at him and he was the only one making a scene, which embarrassed him. When he
stopped yelling, the dean invited him to go in to his office, where they continued the “discussion”
without all of us watching.
We not only need to know how to respond to anger‐outs, but we also need to adapt to anger‐ins.
As one fellow says:
Being an anger‐in type of person I chose to hold my anger inside and vent to my wife or my
friends. This would in fact re‐enforce my thoughts that were at the root of my feelings of anger
and frustration and make me want even more to retaliate and get even.
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Anger‐ins probably have the hardest time figuring out what the underlying issue is. An effective conflict
manager creates a safe space where anger‐ins can express their thoughts. They need help to figure out
why they’re really angry.
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Manage It
We began our discussion of stress by identifying it as a contributor to conflict. Stressed people may more
easily fly off the handle and perhaps even turn violent. We also identified four types of stress. Eustress is
a short‐term stress that encourages us to take more seriously and expend more energy on important
activities. Hypostress, or underload, occurs when we’re bored or unchallenged by our situations.
Because the eustress and hypostress are only temporary or do not lead to significant conflicts, we
focused on hyperstress and distress, which offer greater challenges to the conflict manager. Hyperstress
occurs when too many tasks and responsibilities pile up on us, and we are unable to adapt to the
changes or cope with all that is happening at once. One distinguishing feature of hyperstress is that the
activator (source) is usually clearly identifiable and clears up quickly if we eliminate the activator. Some
specific techniques for dealing with hyperstress are listed in the chapter.
Distress arises when we don’t think we have control over the situation and when the source of stress is
unclear. Distress is more encompassing than the other forms of stress. It relates more to our world view,
personality (Type A, too controlling, workaholic, etc.), and self‐fulfilling prophecy (or expectations).
Because distress can make us appear difficult or act in ways that appear unpleasant to others, it can
contribute to conflict proneness. Both hyperstress and distress set the scene for overblown conflicts.
Conflict proneness due to distress occurs when we take ourselves too seriously, don’t enjoy what we are
doing, or fail to see the humor in our everyday affairs. Stress makes people unhappy and difficult to
work or live with.
Some specific stress reduction techniques are listed in the chapter for dealing with hyperstress and
distress along with learning to use the ABC model. A more encompassing way to manage distress is to
develop a playful spirit, by learning to make a distinction between work and play, striving for balance
between them, turn work into play so that you enjoy what you do, and learn how to appreciate the bad
with the good because some suffering makes us better appreciate the good times.
Stress can lead to anger, which is a strong feeling of displeasure, a synonym for antagonism and rage.
Anger is different from feeling hurt or irritated. We experience these other emotions when someone or
something frustrates our desires. While we recognize that sometimes anger can be used constructively
by motivating us to get off our seats and stand up for our interests, needs, and wants or what we think is
right, destructive anger carries with it the desire to get even or seek revenge.
People tend to manage their anger in one of the following three different ways: anger‐ins, anger‐outs, or
anger controllers. Anger‐ins have in common that they do not express their anger to the person who has
upset them. Anger‐outs are the direct opposite of anger‐ins. They are people who are quick to express
their anger, vocally or physically to the person who upsets them. Anger controllers are those who
practice S-TLC, the confrontation ritual (including assertiveness and I-statements), and
compromise/collaboration. The chapter also includes some useful dos and don’ts for when responding
to angry people.
While there may be people who are clearly one type of anger manager, many people are more likely to
engage in all three types over a period. In a situation where you fear the reaction of another person or
know you have no effect on that person, you may chose to be an anger-in. In another case, you find that
the only way to motivate a person is to show some emotion and reveal some anger. Lastly, you may know
individuals who listen and cooperate, control their anger following the S-TLC model, and express anger
effectively through the use of I-statements. In all cases, the skillful manager is sensitive to the way she or
he is feeling, thinking, and behaving in a conflict situation. Knowing which type one currently manifests
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and how to correctly and effectively manage one’s anger in a conflict situation results in more mutually
satisfying interpersonal relationships.
Experts differ on the cause of anger as some underlying emotional factor. Some say it is caused by a
perceived loss of control. Others say that the primary emotion is the fear that occurs when our personal
security is threatened. Still others say it is a cover-up for loss of self-esteem and sadness. In all these
cases, anger protects us; admitting our fear or disappointment may make us feel vulnerable. We must
find the underlying fear and deal with it.
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Exercises
Think about It
1. When have you recently (or ever) blown up over something that was not such a big deal really?
Can you think of times you got really upset but now can’t remember why? Think back on these
occasions and try to determine if there were other problems going on in your life. Did they put
you on edge so that you felt overwhelmed and exploded?
2. Have you tried any of the techniques listed for reducing hyperstress? Which worked best? Do
you know someone who should try some of these techniques?
3. Have you ever experienced distress as defined and explained in this chapter? If not, do you
know someone who has? Were you or this other person able (at some point) to identify reasons
for this distress? Did you or the other person try any of the techniques listed for reducing
distress? Do you know someone who should try some of these techniques? Look at your work
and school commitments. How might you apply each of the “three solutions” to improve how you
feel about your job and school?
4. Are you a person who tends to blow up, do you express your anger calmly, or do you simply not
express it at all? What are the outcomes of expressing anger in this way?
5. Under what conditions have you found yourself expressing your anger appropriately? How was
the situation different from a time that you felt your anger was out of control? What do you
think you could do to duplicate the situation under which you expressed your anger
constructively?
6. What are some ways you use to work off your anger before talking to another person?
Apply It
1. Take a piece of paper and draw three columns on it. In the first column, identify the various
sources of stress you have in your life. In the second, indicate whether the stress factor is
positive (leading to eustress) or negative (leading to distress, hyperstress, or hypostress). In the
third column, list the ways you can reduce the negative stress factors.
2. Take a piece of paper and draw three columns on it. In the first, list two or three stressors you
are facing right now. In the second, list the kind of negative self-talk you are engaging in about
that stressor. In the third, write a different self-talk message that can help reduce your stress
level.
3. What makes you really angry? For one day, keep a journal of the way you are reacting to
problems around you. You can do this by keeping track of your data in three columns. In the
first, list the situation to which you reacted angrily. In the second column, rate how angry you
were, with 1 = mildly irritated, 5 = extremely angry. In the third column, write down why you
thought you were angry. How might you have reacted differently?
4. Go to a public space, such as a shopping mall. As unobtrusively as possible, observe when people
are angry. What do they seem to be angry about? How long does their expression of anger last?
How do they seem to resolve their anger? Are there differences in anger expression because of
the gender, age, and/or ethnicity of the people you observe?
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Work with it
1. Apply the ABC model to the major stresses in your life by listing the following in a four-column
table.
a. List activating events or stressors (triggering events, people, places, situations) in your
life. Indicate which are temporary or short-lived stressors and which are longer term.
Identify each as annoying or anger producing and disappointing or depression
producing.
b. List consequences (physiological effects/body reactions, behavioral effects, psychological
effects–​negative coping and defense mechanisms).
c. List your internal pressures (irrational beliefs, self-damnations, thoughts, assumptions,
wishful thoughts, intolerances). These are to include “should statements,” “awfulizing
statements,” “overgeneralizations,” and self-talk (or irrational beliefs).
d. List the positive coping mechanisms that you would like to use.
2. Read the case study below and answer the questions that follow it.
With my roommate Elena, I’ve been unhappy and stressed out over the fact that my roommate
may or may not be coming back next year to room with me. We have been the best of friends
since our first days in elementary school, and I can’t imagine anyone else as my roommate. (Note
that the roommate does not seem to realize that this uncertainty is making her edgy and
irritable.) Everything she does right now is getting to me. I don’t like it when she comes in late
and wakes me, doesn’t study when I do, and is too busy with her other friends to eat with me.
We don’t see each other any more and here we are roommates!
Anyway, yesterday she left the room and took my laptop computer without asking me. I really
erupted. I went hunting for her and found her in the library lobby typing notes with a couple of
her classmates. I went right up to her and grabbed my laptop. I really told her off and left with it.
She and her friends just stared at me.
a. Which type of stress is the roommate experiencing?
b. What specific techniques might she use to counter her stress?
c. How might she develop a more playful spirit?
d. How might the ABC model be applied in her situation?
3. Read each of the case studies below and answer the following questions.
a. Which cases below illustrate an anger‐in, an anger‐in who is venting anger, an anger‐out,
or anger controller?
b. In each case, was the anger managed effectively? If not, identify the “primary emotion”
that is being interpreted as anger and explain how anger affected the communication
behavior.
c. List suggestions for better managing the anger in those situations that were not handled
well.
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Cases
1. When in conflict, one of my housemates always avoids everyone when she is upset, so we never
know if she is upset at someone, or simply in a bad mood. It is hard to read her and we never
know how to react, but yet she always expects us to understand how she is feeling. Those of us
who live in the house are incessantly conflicted on what to do because we do not know how to
respond to her avoidance.
2. My partner and I don’t let our feelings get overwhelming. We express how we feel. We do not
keep things bundled up inside and we definitely do not like to explode and let a conflict get out
of hand. We take a time out, do relaxation exercises, or engage in self‐talk. To take a time out, we
can either exit temporarily or count to 100 backwards. My partner always stops and goes for a
walk when he gets angry to blow some steam off. Relaxation exercises help to control our
physical responses. I like to exercise or go to the gym when I feel overwhelmed or angry.
Sometimes I do yoga‐like exercises and breathing techniques and it really seems to help. Then,
after our time out and we have calmed down, we can talk and listen to each other without losing
our cool.
3. My roommate is really messy. She constantly throws her things around the room, leaving her
items in the middle of the room. Then, she had the nerve to tell me that I do not clean the
apartment enough. Why should I have to clean up her things that she leaves around? In fact, I do
not even know where she would want me to put her things away. Instead of me confronting her
about my anger, I went behind her back and talked to my best friend about the situation. I was
just complaining about my roommate, and one complaint would lead to another, and eventually I
was making myself more mad than I was in the beginning of the situation.
4. This weekend, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. I wanted to resolve the conflict right
away but my boyfriend got so angry, he walked to his car and sat in it for 10 minutes while I
waited outside his house. I had handled the matter badly, by shouting when I didn’t get my way,
and being impatient and demanding an immediate resolution to the problem, and in this case
that wasn’t happening as speedily as I wanted it to. I yelled at him and interrupted him a lot, told
him he was ruining my night, and stated everything I wanted him to do not asking him what he
wanted to do to resolve this conflict.
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Discuss It
Read the following conflict narrative and the instructions that follow it.
My wife has been unemployed for several months. She’s had a couple of leads on jobs, but they haven’t
gone anywhere. She doesn’t seem to be trying hard enough. In the meantime, I’ve been working
overtime to try to keep us from going into debt. My wife expects me to carry out her “honey-dos” list
around the house on the weekends. If we were both working, I wouldn’t mind as much, but it hardly
seems as though she does anything all day while I am gone, except play on her laptop computer. The
house is not clean, and when I ask her what she did all day, she just shrugs and says she doesn’t know. I
got so frustrated that I grabbed her computer and slammed it down on the table and threw it the length
of the house. She ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I don’t know what came over me. I walked
straight out of the house, got in the car, and drove to The Silver Dollar Bar.
As a way to apply the concepts you learned from this chapter, read the above case study and participate
in a class discussion by posting an answer to one of the questions below.
1. Explain one of the following concepts: anger‐in, anger‐out, or anger‐controlling. Which of these
would best apply to the case study above and why?
2. Based upon what you have read, what specific technique might the husband use to counter his
anger? Explain why you chose this specific technique.
3. Distinguish what principles might pertain to this case study to understand the role of anger
better. Explain how they can be applied to the conflict above.
4. If you wish, you can demonstrate your knowledge of the key concepts by telling us about a
conflict situation involving anger that you or someone you know experienced.
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Notes
1. W. A. Reich, B. J. Wagner‐Westbrook, and K. Kressel, “Actual and Ideal Conflict Styles and Job
Distress in a Health Care Organization,” The Journal of Psychology 141(1) (2007), 5–​15.
2. Hans Selye, Stress without Distress (New York: J. B. Lippincott, 1974).
3. Velma Walker and Lynn Brokaw, Becoming Aware, 6th Edition (Dubuque, IA: Kendall Hunt, 1995).
4. Stephen Post and Jill Neimark, Why Good Things Happen to Good People (New York: Broadway
Books, 2007), p. 2.
5. Shevaun D. Neupert, David M. Almeida, and Susan T. Charles. “Age Differences in Reactivity to
Daily Stressors: The Role of Personal Control,” The Journals of Gerontology: Series B:
Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 62B(4) (2007), P216–​P226.
6. Thomas Berstene, “The Inexorable Link between Conflict and Change,” The Journal for Quality
and Participation 27 (2004), 4–​9.
7. These hormones are often tied to the perceived power a person has in the relationship; see
Timothy J. Loving, Kathi L. Hefner, Janice K. Kiecolt‐Glaser, Ronald Glaser, and William B.
Malarkey, “Stress Hormone Changes and Marital Conflict: Spouses’ Relative Power Makes a
Difference,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 66 (2004), 595–​612.
8. Albert Ellis, “Overview of the Clinical Theory of Rational‐Emotive Therapy,” in Russell Grieger and
John Boyd (Eds.), Rational‐Emotive Therapy: A Skills‐Based Approach (New York: Van
Nostrand Reinhold, 1980), pp. 1–​31.
9. Anthony D. Lamontagne, Tessa Keegel, Amber M. Louie, Aleck Ostry, and Paul A. Landbergis “A
Systematic Review of the Job‐stress Intervention Evaluation Literature, 1990–​2005,”
International Journal of Occupational and Environmental Health 13(3) (2007), 268–​341; Hieu
M. Ngo and Thao N. Le. “Stressful Life Events, Culture, and Violence,” Journal of Immigrant
Health 9 (2007), 75–​84.
10. www.demotivators.com
11. Nathan Miczo, “Humor Ability, Unwillingness to Communicate, Loneliness, and Perceived Stress:
Testing a Security Theory,” Communication Studies 55 (2004), 222.
12. Wanda J. Smith, K. Vernard Harrington, and Christopher P. Neck, “Resolving Conflict with Humor
in a Diversity Context,” Journal of Managerial Psychology 15 (2000), 606–​625.
13. Anthony D. Pellegrini (Ed.), The Future of Play Theory: A Multidisciplinary Inquiry into the
Contributions of Brian Sutton‐Smith (Albany, NY: SUNY, 1995).
14. Paul Brenner, If Life Is a Game, How Come I’m Not Having Fun? (Albany, NY: SUNY Press, 2001), p.
90.
15. Ibid., p. 73.
16. Dennis W. Bakke, Joy at Work (Seattle, WA: PVG, 2005), pp. 240–​241.
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17. David L. Miller, Gods and Games: Toward a Theology of Play (New York: Harper Colophon Books,
1973).
18. John Goldingay, Walk On: Life, Loss, Trust, and Other Realities (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2002), p.
100.
19. L.H. Phillips, J.D. Henry, J.A. Hosie, and A.B. Milne, “Age, Anger Regulation and Well Being,” Aging
and Mental Health 10 (2006), 250, 250–​256.
20. Hermina Van Coillie and Iven Van Mechelen, “Expected Consequences of Anger‐Related
Behaviours,” European Journal of Personality 20 (2006), 138.
21. Agneta H. Fischer and Ira J. Roseman, “Beat Them or Ban Them: The Characteristics and Social
Functions of Anger and Contempt,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 93 (2007),
104, 103–​115.
22. Dominic J. Parrott, Amos Zeichner, and Mark Evces, “Effect of Trait Anger on Cognitive Processing
of Emotional Stimuli,” The Journal of General Psychology 132 (2005), 69, 67–​80.
23. Ibid., p. 75
24. Benjamin M. Wilkowski and Michael D. Robinson, “Guarding Against Hostile Thoughts: Trait
Anger and the Recruitment of Cognitive Control,” Emotion 8 (2008), 582, 578–​583.
25. Maya Tamir, Christopher Mitchell, and James J. Gross, “Hedonic and Instrumental Motives in
Anger Regulation,” Psychological Science 19 (2008), 328, 324–​328.
26. Virginia Eatough, Jonathan A. Smith, and Rachel Shaw, “Women, Anger and Aggression: An
Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 23 (2008), 1771,
1767–​1799.
27. Phillips, Henry, Hosie, and Milne, Aging and Mental Health, 254.
28. Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Encinitas, CA:
PuddleDancer Press, 2005), p. 144.
29. Carol Tavris, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion (New York: Touchstone, through Simon and
Schuster, 1989), p. 203.
30. Phillip J. Quartana and John W. Burns, “Painful Consequences of Anger Suppression,” Emotion 7
(2007), 400–​414.
31. Tavris, Anger, p. 203.
32. Anne Campbell and Steven Muncer, “Intent to Harm or Injure? Gender and the Expression of
Anger,” Aggressive Behavior 34 (2008), 285.
33. Eatough, Smith, and Shaw, Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 1770.
34. Anne Campbell and Steven Muncer, “Intent to Harm or Injure? Gender and the Expression of
Anger,” Aggressive Behavior 34 (2008), 282.
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Chapter 6 Managing the Conflict Climate
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Objectives
At the end of this chapter, you should be able to:
Describe the role that climate plays in general in conflict situations.
Describe the role played by an imbalance of power in a conflict situation and explain how to
equalize power.
Describe the role played by competition in a conflict situation and explain how to encourage
cooperation.
Describe the role played by distrust in a conflict situation and explain how to create trust.
Describe the role played by defensive behaviors in a conflict situation and explain how to engage
and encourage supportive behaviors.
Explain how the concept of defensive behavior differs from that of power imbalance.
Explain how groupthink leads to mismanaged conflict.
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Key Terms
Abilene Paradox (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec62#P7000481815000000000000000001D70)
competition
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D58)
conflict climate (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D40)
cooperation
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D5A)
defensive
behaviors
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec62#P7000481815000000000000000001D68)
distrust
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D5F)
groupthink
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec62#P7000481815000000000000000001D6E)
harmful
conflict
climate
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D42)
healthy trust (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D61)
imbalance of power
Lucifer Effect (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec62#P7000481815000000000000000001D73)
mixed
motive
situation
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D64)
neutral speech (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D51)
nurturing
conflict
climate
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D44)
power
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D47)
power abuse (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D4A)
powerful
speech
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D4E)
powerless
speech
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D50)
Prisoner’s
Dilemma
(PD)
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D63)
supportive
behaviors
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec62#P7000481815000000000000000001D69)
https://content.uagc.edu/print/Cahn.7882.17.1?sections=ch06,sec6-1,sec6-2,sec6-3,sec6-4&content=all&clientToken=bb72c2a9-0ae2-5bb9-9410-2c…
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threats
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D4C)
thromise
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D4D)
trust
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D5D)
unhealthy trust (http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D60)
win–​lose
outcomes
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D59)
win–​win
outcomes
(http://content.thuzelearning.com/books/Cahn.7882.17.1/sections/sec61#P7000481815000000000000000001D5B)
As you move from one location to another, you are aware of changes in the emotional tone of voices, the
looks on people’s faces, their body movements, dress code, and room dé cor, which can reveal
expectations for behavior. If you enter a location where a party is held, you are likely to encounter noise,
a crowd of young people, loud music, a lot of social interaction, and a dress code that fits the occasion.
You might smell cigarette smoke and alcohol. Many partygoers view a party as a positive experience and
conducive to socializing or else they would leave. Conversely, at another location such as a hospital’s
patient ward, you probably encounter a quiet place with restricted visiting hours and frequent visits by
hospital staff. There is no drinking of alcohol, smoking, or using cell phones, and you’ll see many people
in a variety of medical uniforms. Perhaps you smell a sterile environment that you associate with
hospitals. If you were not visiting a patient, you would probably want to leave the hospital as soon as
possible. Depending on the event or place, there is a climate, environment, or an atmosphere that makes
you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in a psychological as well as physical sense. Whether or not we
are aware of it, the climate surrounding us affects the way we manage conflict. Competent conflict
managers do what they can to create a climate that facilitates constructive conflict management.
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6.1 Conflict Climate
What is meant by climate in a conflict communication situation? We know that physical processes, such
as plant growth, depend on their physical environments to nurture them. Similarly, social processes like
conflict management depend on a nurturing social climate or environment. Although the concept of
social climate is difficult to describe in concrete terms, we are still aware of it and its effects on our
interactions. Of the many factors or properties that are part of the climate, we limit our scope of a
conflict climate, or the psychological atmosphere impacting a conflict, to these opposing concepts:
imbalance of power versus equity, competition versus cooperation, distrust versus trust, defensive
versus supportive behavior, and groupthink verses individual decision making.
Harmful Conflict Climate
Conflict management produces destructive and negative results when it suffers from a harmful conflict
climate, consisting of the threats of power abuse, competition, distrust, and defensiveness. Such threats
foster avoidance and accommodation (possibly resulting in avoidance and chilling effect cycles) or
competition (meeting force with force, which may foster a competitive escalation cycle that eventually
becomes violent).
Nurturing Conflict Climate
Conversely, conflict management is more productive and positive in other situations because it benefits
from a nurturing conflict climate, consisting of equal power, cooperation, trust, and supportive
behavior that encourage openness, assertiveness, collaboration, and mutually satisfying outcomes.
The purpose of this chapter is to provide you with skills for managing conflict by creating a nurturing
conflict climate, avoiding creating a harmful conflict climate, or converting a harmful climate into a
nurturing one.
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Converting Power Differences in Conflicts
Recently my parents and I argued about my job. My parents don’t want me to work while in
school because they think it could interfere with my studies. But in reality they don’t give me
enough money to do what I want to do. While talking to my parents they believe that only their
opinions are legitimate. They do not even consider what I have to say and rarely even give me a
chance to speak.
In general, power is the ability to influence or control events. People have power over us to the extent
that we depend on them, they can affect our goal achievement, and they have the resources we need to
accomplish our goals. In our daily routine, we encounter people who are more or less powerful than we
are, and these are often cases of legitimate power differences, such as the boss–​employee, commander–​
troops, parents–​children, and teacher–​student. In the case above, the young man is still living at home,
letting his parents pay his bills, and resents the fact that he is a dependent, powerless teen.
Legitimate power recognizes that a situation often
exists in which someone must take control to
accomplish a task or to protect the welfare or interests
of the group. In such cases, we should hold that person
responsible for performing certain leadership tasks,
and we should grant him or her authority over us and
work with that person to successfully accomplish the
tasks. Because we all vary in our capabilities and
resources, power often shifts from one situation to
another, creating opportunities for different people to
have power over others at different times.
Power contributes to a harmful conflict climate when it
is perceived as threatening. When this occurs, we call it
power abuse.
As a Captain, I once taught counseling to a group of People often respond with anger when they
high‐ranking U.S. Army officers. When I finished a feel as though they are being forced to do
list of dos and don’ts for officers counseling something.
enlisted personnel who had personal problems that
might affect the performance of their duties, my list included hanging one’s military jacket and
hat (both covered with rank insignia) on a coat stand before meeting with the individual. As
soon as I said that, Colonel Johnson suddenly stood up, turned to face the class, and said, “I am a
Colonel in the United States Army and when someone comes into my office to see me, that
person is going to know I am a Colonel.” There was a moment of silence. I then asked the class,
“How many of you would go to Colonel Johnson, if you had a personal problem?” Everyone
laughed, and someone even said “No way.” Not receiving the support for his position that he
expected, the Colonel suddenly grew embarrassed, said he got the point, and sat down. He told
me later that he hadn�…